Vampire Wear for the Pool

I love the feminist magazine Bust. Every issue is filled with interesting book, film and music reviews plus more articles than I can read on on alterna-culture movements and little publicized projects by fascinating women. But like every other magazine on the planet, it makes money by offering lots of things to sell. That's ok. We're all capitalists here. But I find myself amused by the attitude required to move the merch in Bust.

For example, this morning I paged through an old issue before breakfast and found myself confronted with gothic swimsuits. You read that right! Goth swimsuits, people. The photos of over-kohled minxes in thigh-high stripes and fish-nets were printed in desaturated tones, to emphasize that the lure of Thanatos is never absent for these grrls . . . even at the beach.

Oh, the energy it must take to maintain the pallor and the hair-dos while swimming. Not to mention the make-up! Naturally, as soon as I got to my research desk I had to find more goth swim wear - so you, my dear reader, would not doubt me!

Here's one I found at heavyred.com:

I'll call this "Anorexic Bloodhunger Striptease." I'm guessing this ensemble isn't made from anything that can get caught in sunlight without self-destructing. Much like the waif who is wearing it. Ah, the irony just got me in the eye! It burns like f**k!!!

Seriously - this gal is freaking me OUT! You couldn't find a vein on her if you were Dr. G. Those white-walled crack-eyes aren't helping matters either. Why does she need a swimsuit when any substance other than grave dust will certainly corrupt her ancient flesh? I can't take looking at her any more. I hope somebody dunks her in saltwater. Then her thigh-highs will fall down around her ankles and her gauntlets will fill up with sand and somebody is going to have to listen to her bitch all the way back to Motel 6. It's all just attitude, remember?

Let's move on . . .

This little princess of the night looks downright playful compared to the wraith on the right. She's almost smiling and she doesn't look like she just woke up on a meathook somewhere in Texas. See the cute lil batshape on her panty? She's slightly chunky in an agreeable way and her eyes aren't blacked out. She's about as goth as Lara Flynn Boyle. But so were the ones I saw in Bust. They were curvy lasses with Linda Ronstadt hair selling $200 clam-diggers and cork espadrilles. If you were a vampire, would you wear espadrilles at the pool? Apparently Bust thinks you would.

Anyway - the last thing I found was a Goth Swimsuit Calendar. I shit you not! It's the sort of thing you must see for yourself:

Goth Swimsuit Calendar 2007

So - now, are we ready? Have we bought enough stuff to have our Goth credentials validated by the lifeguard? Can we venture pool-side without losing the carefully constructed attitudes? Did anybody bring five gallons of zinc?