After witnessing a 300+ pound female student with her gargantuan haunches jammed into the top of a helpless booktruck this morning, I felt it was time to re-post this classic from TBF's past . . .
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Drunken Booktruck
In the life of a librarian a certain amount of pushing booktrucks is bound to happen. You have to load the booktruck before you push it. And damned often you have to unload it too. But in between there is the pushing - which is normally pretty simple. But, every now and then you'll get a drunken booktruck.
The drunken booktruck will not roll straight. No matter how carefully you steer, it will insist on veering left or right, banging into shelves, the back of a chair where someone is reading or randomly rumbling over the dog who is resting while its owner reads email.
Yeah - the drunken booktruck is trouble. And you may be wondering, by now, what causes this trouble. What forces make a booktruck stray from the narrow path? What warps the booktruck, so that it may never run true again?
Ass. Teenage ass, to be precise. Super-sized, Taco Bell fed, extra-large-fry gobbling teenage ass bent the booktruck so it will never roll straight again. Every summer the library hires local teenagers to move books, run courier and do other menial tasks the professionals make up for them to do. And every summer the biggest-butted teenager in the bunch will, at some point, plop her gigantic hindquarters on a booktruck and bend it all to hell. It happens every summer!
What - I must ask the universe - What is so compelling about the smooth flat top of the booktruck that it draws the humungus teenage buttcheeks to it? Does it call to them? Does it lure them with a song audible only to an elephantine girl's bottom? Why, booktruck? Why?
Why must you tease Brunhilda's booty by hovering mere inches from her tremendous rump? Why must you beckon her to hoist her massive can onto your spindly support? Perhaps you enjoy groaning beneath her truck bench cushions . . .
Sadly, the booktruck will neither confirm nor deny. And I am left with a sorryass booktruck and one course of action. I must post rules for summer library workers:
1. No sitting on booktrucks
2. No smoking in the building
3. No sitting on booktrucks
4. No wandering across campus after you clock in
5. No sitting on booktrucks
6. Keep your ass off the booktruck!
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2 comments:
LOL! Woman, I loved this one the first time I read it, as well as the second, the third, the fourth .... even today! Mr. & I quote from it! It's a literary classic and a true lesson for the ages.
ROTFLMAO! (but never, never, NEVER on a booktruck)
Chai: love it...of course, like Key said, i loved it the first time, but I caught one of my 2nd graders sitting on the booktruck...so I this really hit the spot!
-gg
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